Dacoity Cup sponsorship announcement

The organising committee of the Dacoity Cup are proud to announce that this years event is being supported by the best new wine merchants in Surrey, Tipples.

For your special occasion, come to Tipples, we will provide all the wine you need tocelebrate. Here are a couple of suggestions from the proprietor:

This one I made this myself in my shed – labelled as Chateau Margaux – that’s one of the most renowned Grand Crus, but of course you don’t have a clue what I’m talking about but you are a financial adviser and your partner was in here earlier buying a bottle of sauvignon so I know you’ve just had a big quarterly bonus and of course I did see you coming…   £1000 per bottle

 

 You probably think this looks cheap. You probably would even think it tastes cheap. But you haven’t been on the course or taken all the exams. It takes a lot of hard work to recognise and appreciate the subtleties of the grape you know. This one is heaven in a glass, initially offering flowery notes on the nose with an undercurrent of oriental spice, berries, and of course just a hint of male cattle manure. A perfect match for something full flavoured, as this will linger on the pallet for twice as long.

To ‘Tipples’

 

I am extremely pleased to see that you are still trading –perhaps you remember, many years ago when I was the ‘Fine Wine’ correspondent for the ‘Exchange & Mart’, the campaign we waged to ensure that the grapes for your excellent range of Mongolian clarets was trodden only by yaks which were certified free of BSE.

 

In order to celebrate my forthcoming sporting successes I would like to order a ‘poke’(  ie 12 large brown paper bags) of ‘Grampian Grot’ – Scotland’s most famous home-produced wine. I’m sure you will be familiar with this wine, but if not, here are a few details:

 

The grapes are grown high in the Cairngorm Mountains, where they are ‘picked’ by skiers who knock them off the stems in passing. They are then collected from the car park. The short growing season at that altitude ensures that nothing undesirable such as ‘flavour’ interferes with the acrid juice (pH 2) that is produced when the grapes are pressed between copies of the ‘Sunday Post’. Having been allowed then to ‘rest’ for about 15 minutes while the vintners go off for a couple of cans of Mackeson, the liquid is poured into barrels made of dehydrated porridge and the midges are added to give ‘body’.  The wine is then allowed to mature until somebody wants to buy some.

 

Culinary tip – This really is the ideal wine to serve with deep-fried Mars bars.

 

If you can’t get hold of any then a couple of bottles of ‘Irn Bru’ will do just as well.

 

Delivery address:-

 

Top step of the podium,

Celtic Manor,

Wales (near Scotland).

 

Many thanks,

 

Hamish McSixIron